Cost of Tears

She got down from the hammock, eased on an easy chair on the beach and stared at the Sun for few seconds. On her left was an old lady and on her right there were three undergraduate college girls who came to enjoy the beach on spring break. She picked up Cosmocomics by Italo Calvino. As she read the book, inanimate objects surrounding her started to live the life in front of her. It became tough for her to look at a beer bottle without listening to her love life, the popcorn machine told the story of hardworking guy with a single hope to make children happy, the plate and cutlery constituted a part of dysfunctional family where fights more common, the tire of trucks on the road read the plea of retirement, a cap left in restaurant gave her visions of responsibility of a captain, to whom it might have belonged and cellphone – most loved and hated person of her life. She dropped the book on her breast and stared at the Sun again. How else she could explain her tears to girls lying on easy chair right next to her?

“You shouldn’t stare at the sun this much,” the older lady said to her. She smiled. She felt an in suppressible urge to share her love story with her.

“You are right.” She only said this. Then, she smiled, and she wiped away her tears.

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Ocean of Pain

She pondered what she had done so far for herself: nothing! More she thought, more she realized that she lived the childhood as per wishes of her parents, kindergarten and school under peer pressure, college by filtering the choices: love or lust. What she gained from all this? Fear. The fear loomed large on her life. People often asked her, how are you? She simply nodded. The teachers and the support staff asked about her well-being, she lied that she was happy. So often she acted out the happiness in front of others that she cringed at herself for lying. Little later, she had stopped doing that. She realized that it’s not easy to fool people. Heck! How can she fool others when she can’t lie convincingly to herself.

Her fear, which was the size of a grain, grew into a full blown mountain, with pointy peaks and zig-zagged periphery. She avoided the fear of mountain till she reached grad school where she felt that something was seriously wrong with her. Talking to psychologist helped her narrow down her fears. She feared the expression of her true self, which stopped her from growing. Self-help books were a sort of distraction which told her that she had been running away from the real problem. She knew only way to resolve her problem was it to face it. Face the fear. The bruises and lacerations studded her body and soul whenever she tried to scale the mountain. Thorny shrubs sucked her blood like mosquitoes. How should she deal with this pain? She had read long time back that you get things or meet people in life because of your mental makeup; it draws them toward you. And yet we all blame destiny. And she felt that her life was nothing but a ocean of pain.

 

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